Why do I hate myself so much???

Well I am sitting here in my car and all I can think about is how I hate myself so much. It is because of all the things I do so negative to myself. I don’t want to be like this. I have so many goals for my life but I never fallow through with them (why?). I have to figure out what is wrong with me. I would love to be just normal!! But what is normal? Some times I just want to run away and start over. But I don’t think anything would change. I would still be the big fuck up that I am.

I need to make changes in my life but I don’t know where to even begin. I do so good for a few days but then I go off the deep end and don’t even know why. I wish that I could just figure out why I am the way I am……

Well I did it again

Well once again I got drunk. I didn’t plan on drinking again but I did.

It was yesterday and it was my day off. I had some things to take care of in the morning but that got done really quickly. I was sitting in front of the TV and was getting kinda antsy and decided that I would go out and try to take some pictures of things. So I hoped it to the jeep and went to the lake and started to take some pictures. It was really passing the time for me and I was getting in to it so since it was Halloween I decided to stop at a cemetary and take some pics there as well and I like the was some of the turned out.

But once again I found my self after wards pulling in to the bar and started to throw back some beers (why?). I dont know why I was doing so good but one again I screwed up again. I don’t know why I do it. I wish I could give you a reason why i went in to the bar yesterday I really do. I know that when I drink. It hurts Dawn and I don’t mean to do that. I really didn’t want to drink yesterday but it was kinda like I was on autopilot and just ended up there.. If any one has any in site I would really appetite it

Why is this so hard for me

Well lets see where to begin. I have a drinking problem. I just should not drink. Every time drink I don’t know when to stop I get so shit faced drunk that I end up passing out every time. So as of right now I have not had a drink in 11 days. It is very hard for me at times and I think I just want to drink when i am board. I was off this past Wednesday and I was ok for most of the day but I had to keep myself very busy. That is why I want to start taking more pictures and working with photography. I am even thinking about taking some classes for it. If anyone has any in site on other things that I can do to keep my mind off of drinking please feel free to leave me suggestions.

My battle with the drink has been going on now for a quite some time. I think in my 20′s it was even there but I just blew it off as being young. When I was 26 I went to rehab for the first time and then to AA. God that was not for me I just could not stand the way some of the those people acted towards me. so I stopped going and for a few months I was good. But once again I went back to drinking I really think it was because of being bored. By the time I was 28 I was drinking a lot again and back to rehab I went. Once again I started to go to AA and it still was not for me.

Now don’t get me wrong I have a drinking problem but my drinking at this point didn’t get interfere with my life. I didn’t have problems with work and I didn’t have problems with family or work. Then the day before my 30th birthday came around and I was off for a 5 day weekend. It was a warm september day and I took the day off of work so I hoped on my motorcycle and decided to go for a ride well after riding for about and hour I found myself pulling in to a strip club and said to my self what the hell It’s my birthday. Well need less to say I had a great time. I spent about 8 hrs there and was power drinking then I decided to go home well I was almost home and got pulled over and needless to say I spent my birthday in jail for DUI.

I had stopped drinking after that for about 6 months but once again I found my self going back to drinking trying to tell myself that I can control it well once again I was wrong. Now I don’t wanna go it to-day by day on how that went but I can tell you it did not work out well.

So now I am here telling my story and trying to stay sober. I think that if I get people to read and maybe comment on my posts maybe it will help me. So if anyone has any in sight Please comment. I would really appreciate it

Well who am I ????

Well I am a 31 year old nurse from a suburb of Cleveland Ohio I have worked in hospitals for most of my nursing career and now for almost the past two years I have working in a nursing home. I am starting to get into photography and will hopefully be posting some pics that I take. I am also kinda a dork when it comes to things I love horror movies and listening to pod casts my faviort would have to be bailey jay radio it is just a goofy funny show that every time I listen to it it make me smile you should all check it out well for now I must go to work and I will share more later this is a picture of me in my jeep before work..

This is me

Well I am starting a blog I guess… I am going try to update frequently and let everyone know what’s going on in my life and my feelings and that kinda stuff well that’s it for now I guess